A low throbbing pain in my back
Is my constant reminder that
My body is in rebellion
And all the should have’s.
Should have eaten better.
Should have exercised.
Should have stood up straighter.
But all that doesn’t matter now
Because the pain likes to linger
Just out of reach of serious,
Or terrible. Although it threatens…
With piercing stabs and fleeting pings
And sometimes tightening contractions of
Muscles that I don’t have.
But instead, it lingers more in the category of
Always and forever. Never ending.
Sometimes in the morning when I wake up
There is a moment when it is missing.
I feel… nothing… no pings or twinges,
No dull throbbing or piercing stabs.
Just… normal. Like my back is whole and
My life is ok.
And I lie very still – not wanting to disrupt
I pray for it to last – to stay.
Maybe today I can leap from the bed
And skip to the mirror
And I will see a five-year-old
Who can twirl and spin
And climb up a slide.
She lives inside me that
She hangs out with the 15-year-old.
And the 30-year-old.
They dance and run.
They jump and hike.
They shop and garden
And all the things that
I can’t do.
At least for now.
I will try again.
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